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Post by wags on Oct 4, 2008 21:40:14 GMT -5
‘You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.’ OUCH!!!  |
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Post by mtnme on Oct 11, 2008 0:29:03 GMT -5
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What current conditions have made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock. (He hasn't got a prediction right yet, and says its the companies who are at fault.)
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use except by oil companies.
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Post by mtnme on Oct 13, 2008 17:23:19 GMT -5
Important Health Message for Women
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, please ask your health provider or pharmacist about Chardonnay.
Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything!
You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living - with Chardonnay.
Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Chardonnay. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table-dancing, lap-dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
WARNINGS:
The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you are whispering when you are
not. It may cause you to tell your friends over and over and over again that you love
them. It may cause you to believe that you can sing. Consumption of Chardonnay may
lead you to believe that ex-lovers are dying for you to telephone them at four in the
morning. It may make you think that you can logically converse with members of the
opposite sex without spitting. It may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter,
faster and much better-looking than most people.
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Post by wags on Oct 13, 2008 21:23:29 GMT -5
I'm glad I always read the warning label.
Too funny!!
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Post by Lori on Oct 14, 2008 0:23:45 GMT -5
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Post by mtnme on Oct 14, 2008 1:28:35 GMT -5
 I'm a Kendall Jackson gal myself...but in a dry county, beggars can't be choosers.....
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Post by number1fan on Oct 14, 2008 1:48:30 GMT -5
I'm a Kendall Jackson gal myself...but in a dry county, beggars can't be choosers..... |
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Post by mtnme on Oct 14, 2008 11:13:19 GMT -5
I'm a Kendall Jackson gal myself...but in a dry county, beggars can't be choosers..... OMG is right! Were we all twins seperated at birth?  Que twilight zone music.... doo-dee-do-do, doo-dee-do-do. |
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teri
Full Member
Life is too short to dance with ugly men!
Posts: 197
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Post by teri on Oct 23, 2008 13:46:39 GMT -5
I've been receiving alot of Halloween emails and couldn't resist sharing this one.
[A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
Happy Halloween[/b]
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Post by Mars on Oct 23, 2008 13:48:20 GMT -5
nice one, teri ;D
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Post by tabatha on Oct 24, 2008 17:52:02 GMT -5
that was great!  |
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Post by mellie on Oct 24, 2008 22:16:08 GMT -5
That is a good one Teri.
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Post by mtnme on Oct 29, 2008 18:36:09 GMT -5
..... Why Pumpkins shouldn't drink.... HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
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Post by sk8on on Nov 1, 2008 13:22:10 GMT -5
Subject: 5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
THIS CONCLUDES THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
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Post by skaterswaltz on Nov 1, 2008 17:08:39 GMT -5
..... Why Pumpkins shouldn't drink.... HAPPY HALLOWEEN! I love this!! And I just have to share my odd Halloween moment from last night: I was giving out candy and this one boy (probably about 12-13) took one look at what I was giving out (Starbursts, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) and said, "Oh - I don't want any of THAT," and turned around and left. Well, there you go. Times sure have changed. I was thrilled to get anything when I was little - even the little tiny boxes of raisins, an apple or sometimes some pennies! |
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Are you trying to tell me something???
~Lori
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