Funny E-mails

[mtnme]

OK, some of you may have received this already as apparently it is zipping around the internet. But it is just too funny and should be required reading for ALL women!


Actual letter to Proctor & Gamble
This is a letter written to one of the top executives at Proctor & Gamble.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or
Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f**king kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness -is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullcrap. And that's a promise I will keep...

Always,


Austin , TX

[angelina]

Thanks mtnme, that's absolutely hilarious. I was actually thinking the same thing: "Are you freakin' kidding me?" when I saw the commercial with that gosh-awful tag line.

My favorite part of the letter: Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere.

[Lori]

A friend of mine sent this to me awhile back and I really thought that she had written it, 'cause it would have been just like her. But she kept swearing she hadn't. Now I guess I'll have to believe her. It's one of the funniest things I have ever read!

Glad you posted it...

[lisam]

That was hilarious! I think I got this email a while ago because I remember the "have a happy period" part. I never understood why someone would put that on those pads because there is no such thing as a happy period, it must of been designed by a man.

Thanks for posting that, made my day!

[number1fan]

mtnme said:

I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f**king kidding me?

exactly!!! what idiotic MORON thought of that sentiment and decided to
print it on the adhesive backing???

[mtnme]

The only bright spot for such a truly "dumb" commercial, is that since I received this e-mail, I can't go into a grocery store or other venue playing a radio ad for this product, and once I hear the words "have a happy period", I'm busting up in the middle of the aisles!

...and you can BET they aren't getting MY 8 bucks either!!!

(....The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and Stupidity - and the latter should never be rewarded....)

On a different note: should all funny e-mails be posted on this thread??

[mtnme]

George Carlins' New Rules for 2007

New Rules For 2007 ...

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25
years. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you
out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky b*st*rds.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still
collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a
kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you
have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the
supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice
and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label.
And the top is now the bottom. And by the time
grandpa figures out how to open it, his a$$ will be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you Just
solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a
Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
huge a**hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look
up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number,
pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up
is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your a$$. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time
you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God
you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's
one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently
televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table
was just too d**ned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting? Oh wait! They're already
doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm
extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making
movies based on crappy, old television shows, then
you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television
show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good
enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it
used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies
and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking
out the stuff you want and having other people buy
it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people
version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more
bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is
offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude.
I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's
two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult
and want a job that pays better than minimum wage,
then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your
future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

[butterfly]

Those George Carlin emails always crack me up. I love to read his funny thoughts on different subjects and he says exactly what everyone else is thinking. I've gotten a bunch of different emails written by him (unfortunately I didn't save any of them) and they always make me laugh.

[butterfly]

Here's a funny email that was sent to me a while ago, but I go back and read it whenever I need a good laugh:

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh*t too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that b*tch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the b*tch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.

[mtnme]

Butterfly,
That was too funny!! ...and unfortunately way too TRUE! (Only there are never any HOT male trainers where I go....sigh...but according to this e-mail, I obviously would think they looked like complete trolls by the end of the week!)

[lexi]

OMG! Those were HILARIOUS!! Thanks for a great laugh.

This isn't an e-mail specifically, but a great laugh. I've held onto it for awhile. Some of you may already have seen these. They're quotes taken from actual performance appraisals. #22 gets me everytime. I think we've all been there! Oh and #31.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom-and has started to dig."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere-but only out of morbid curiosity."

3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

4. "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

11. "This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better."

12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

13. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

17. "He's been working with glue too much."

18. "He would argue with a sign post."

19. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

20. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

21. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored-he's the other one."

23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

24. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

27. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

28. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans

31. "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

32. "One neuron short of a synapse."

33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled."

34. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

35. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS

1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. As bright as Alaska in December.
4. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
5. He's so dense, light bends around him.
6. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

[lexi]

These are apparently genuine excerpts from complaints sent to landlords:

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

4. The toilet seat is cracked; where do I stand?

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.

9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp. We have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it?

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.

13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.


Extracts from real CVs and covering letters. Printed in July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine.


1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage"
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

[sk8on]

I can't believe I JUST stumbled across this thread. These are hysterical

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he

doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you craptin' me?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you craptin ' me? Your Honour, I think I need a
different

attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition

notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you

like to rephrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began

the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law

[number1fan]

mtnme, lexi, butterly & sk8on...
what a way to roll in the weekend!!! made my day...thank you ladies!

[lexi]

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Love it!