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Post by lisam on Dec 12, 2007 21:15:50 GMT -5
'Just got this today... GOTTA PEE Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly tipsy and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with the ribbon. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women 's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girls' nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.... My wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her a$$ that said..... "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!" That was too funny!  |
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Post by mtnme on Jan 3, 2008 19:39:43 GMT -5
THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILI CONTEST!
If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you!
*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, ",then the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Jmlge'-# 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.
b1tch is starting to look HOT. . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an Aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 --Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p1sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I sh1t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that very *friendly* person Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like sh1t to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to deeIare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
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Post by apolosangel8907 on Jan 3, 2008 20:19:01 GMT -5
oh that was great! My family is constantly one uping each other in our chili so it was perfect! Infact, my uncle is a firefighter who happens to be famous around the waterloo area for bringing big burly firefighters to tears with his chili! I don't think it is all that hot really!
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Post by mtnme on Jan 3, 2008 21:37:05 GMT -5
oh that was great! My family is constantly one uping each other in our chili so it was perfect! Infact, my uncle is a firefighter who happens to be famous around the waterloo area for bringing big burly firefighters to tears with his chili! I don't think it is all that hot really! I'm afraid my tolerance level is pretty low on that sort of thing. Even if it makes it past my lips without setting my mouth aflame, my stomach usually has plenty to say about it - and none of it good!  |
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Post by number1fan on Jan 3, 2008 21:52:14 GMT -5
oh that was great! My family is constantly one uping each other in our chili so it was perfect! Infact, my uncle is a firefighter who happens to be famous around the waterloo area for bringing big burly firefighters to tears with his chili! I don't think it is all that hot really! I'm afraid my tolerance level is pretty low on that sort of thing. Even if it makes it past my lips without setting my mouth aflame, my stomach usually has plenty to say about it - and none of it good!  |
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Post by mtnme on Jan 23, 2008 22:49:38 GMT -5
I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten! up, I' m going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY .
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt! on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11 My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'
19 My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you'
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Post by jennaceeta25 on Jan 23, 2008 23:00:16 GMT -5
Aww, Mtnme! How funny!!!!  My mom must have said some of those you've listed. I LOVE the last one!  Thanks!  |
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Post by Lori on Jan 28, 2008 12:30:41 GMT -5
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Post by ohnoagain on Jan 28, 2008 23:33:55 GMT -5
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Post by Lori on Jan 28, 2008 23:59:50 GMT -5
I had seen the clip of 'the fall(s)' before, but the anchors' comments and laughing really got me going! Too funny! ------------------------------------------ Here's one I got just today (no offense to our attorney friends)... BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY (Charlotte , North Carolina) A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires'. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for the cigars lost in the 'fires'. NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. |
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Post by lisam on Jan 29, 2008 0:39:15 GMT -5
Funny youtube vids girls! I love to hear babies laugh and the anchor man's laugh was hilarious! Poor girl was probably too weak from not eating to walk in those heels. |
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Post by sk8on on Jan 29, 2008 17:03:18 GMT -5
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Post by mtnme on Jan 31, 2008 4:39:10 GMT -5
sk8on that e-mail bit is oh so true. (I always delete "your arm will fall off and you'll have bad luck forever if you do not send this to every person you have ever had contact with, including mailmen ...." etc, etc. I selflessly will take responsibility for any bad joojoo in exchange for not harassing all my friends with that sort of thing.) But on to somemore funnies. I was turned on (well, not literally) to this guy by my Brit friend while she fed me soup and good humor during my recent little medical hickup. this guy is too funny - Eddy Izzard, - www.youtube.com/watch?v=6omQ5JjjLsE&feature=related |
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Post by mtnme on Feb 26, 2008 22:55:49 GMT -5
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the
desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?
The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'
"You dumber than buffalo sh1t. It means someone stole the tent."
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Post by number1fan on Feb 26, 2008 23:02:34 GMT -5
What's it tell you, Tonto?' "You dumber than buffalo sh1t. It means someone stole the tent." |
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~Lori
