Apolo doggerel

[sara]

Welcome back Ruff. Sorry to hear about the OZ mess.

[Ruff!]

Hey Sara! How have you been?

Does anybody else read the doggerel in a sort of ba-da, ba-da, ba-da, badabadabadaDA! rhythm? I always sort of sing it to myself and imagine dancing around with belled shoes on to add accents to my singing. Like a jester.

[MT]

Ruff said:

lol @ the de-karma. You've been back for two minutes and they're already robbing you blind! It's like New York circa 1978. And I really wish "spelling" had two S's in it so I could be like, "I'm Ruff, I put the SS in spelling!" Because "I'm a Nazi!" jokes really don't ever stop being funny, I feel. (Who knows, but I wanted to use it.)

I was horrified to see I'd been banned at OZ. Horrified! Why? For what?! You know, Noelle doesn't strike me as the type to appreciate all those saccharin comments about Apolo all the time and might actually enjoy a few posters who don't gush about him and talk to one another (which I've noticed no one there does; they post and don't care about talking to anyone else, which I feel defeats the purpose of a messageboard). But, I see was fucking wrong, wrong, wrong there. I think she's still pissed at me about the time I called her chinless. Bitch can hold a grudge.

Anywhoooo. In the post that unfortunately got lost to the aether at OZ, I was seeking your thoughts on the Case of Jimmy Jang and the Marquette Boys (Men). I was saying how much I wanted a followup. I wish ST were bigger because if this were basketball he'd have already hit up Baba Wawa (Most Evil Human in Existence) with the facts and we could get all the dirt regarding the accusers and perhaps some interviews done in silhouette to protect the innocent. Basically I'm pissed that fizzled because I love a good brouhaha and ST has embarrassingly few brous. I said my goals this season were naked Canooks (one of them has to be game. Isn't that one of those things foreigners are always going on and on about? "Oh, Americans are such prudes! It's just a body!" *strips and JOGS away.* Let's see a little more of that mentality, Canada. Just get Jamaicanadian high(er)! He'll be down.) and more info on the Jang Thang. And then I did a terribly interesting turn of phrase (pun?) with "full disclosure." (AHAHA, get it? GET IT?! AHAHAHA!...No? No good? Okay.)

Basically, it was all genius and she had not right to trash it! No right.

You could try just direct linking those photos and not uploading them anywhere else. Though, people always get so bent out of shape about it. Which adds to the pleasure I take in it, obviously.

Here's my Emoticon Story:

Us: and (any order)
Us + Canooks: and
Canooks:
Canooks + Us: (<-- Turcotte).

Oh, and I think Hamelin's bro is going to make the team this year. Yes, that's right, you guessed it. It's HAM SANDWICH tiiime!

And completely off topic, but I'd also like you thoughts on something that I'm very sensitive about and have been wrestling with for a while: I think I'm in love with Davy Jones (are you familiar with Pirates of the Caribbean?). Is this deep perversion or just a testament to my ability to get past appearances? And what does this mean in relation to the Canadians, if anything?

You slay me. No, literally. I laughed so hard when I read that I threw my head back and hit the wood back of the chair and about concussed myself. I'm seeing double. I think the killer was the smilies of the Canooks and us. So, you think Turcotte would be game, aye? I think he'd need to call for backup. Hasn't he taken the season off so he is a bit out of training. Whaddya think, Fuzzy or Kick-Ass-Eyebrow-Guy, dealer's choice.

[MT]

Oh, yes, the Ham sandwich was well done too. I was trying to work out something less fattening like a Turkette or Turcotte sandwich wrapped in saran wrap but it isn't quite coming together. Too much cheese or something.

"Full disclosure" sounded like a classic. Real art is controversial and not everyone has a sophisticated palette, I guess.

But, to heck with all that social chit chat. Dish girl. What up with Jimmy Jang?!?! I've been out of the pipeline forawhile.

P.S. The Davy Jones thing - all those prehensile appendages are a natch for a fantasy. Besides, he's a pipe smoker - a real father-figure thing and he likes to set up his lover for bondage to pirates. That is a really serious kink. Of course you couldn't resist!

Now, if I ever hear you give me hell about my thing for The Tics doughy side-kick again, well pot, kettle and all that.

[Ruff!]

Read this: www.ohnozone.net/cgi-bin/mt/mt-comments.cgi?entry_id=5215

Oh, it's just fascinating! Very, "He said, he said," with a lot of "We're grown men acting like punk b******, ZOINKS!" thrown in. I loved it. I couldn't eat it fast enough. And then of course that post went away and we all pretended nothing happened and I was left hanging. I imagine the sensation I had was as near as I will ever be to "blue balls."

Speaking of such, Turcotte would be so game. But he also might put the "gay" in game, sooo...I'm just saying. The man is pretty. And a gay Canadian man might be a gas to hang out with. He'd probably join us in lusting after his teammates. We'd sit in the stands yelling, "Git it, gurl!" when they were racing and then return to his hotel room, drink his wine coolers and play with the plaster and saran wrap. Not a bad way to spend the evening, I feel. I also really like "Turkette." I feel like that's a good name for his groupies (us) or maybe his girls (us). We're Turkettes. Oh, Fuzzy and KEG! How I've missed them. Fuzzy looking emaciated and falling through chairs (or whatever that weirdass article translated to) and KEG with his glorious triumph over Apolo at Worlds. Ugh, I'm giving myself hunger pangs. We need an update. Preferably with photos (and when I say "preferably" I mean, "I'll kill whoever forgets to take photos. With my bare hands. Turkette Power!"). When does the season start, do you know?

I was seriously weirding myself out with the Davy Jones thing. So, obviously, I bring it to you to dissect and make sense of for me. I mean, you lust after a big cartoon bugman. We are one in our weirdness. I was watching the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie and at first I was all, "Ew, these Dutchmen are sickening." Because they are, what with the barnacles and all manner of icky sea ---- GROWING off them. But later on I was like, "Aww. Davy fell in love! And...Does he have an accent? What is that? Ooh, he's quite bossy. And tall." And then I had to shut it off and make myself a drink. It all got to be too much. Needless to say, I'm counting the days until number 3 comes out on DVD.

(I just previewed this post and it's far too bare and gray, so I'm adding this:



Haha, Mods. Wrong forrrrrrum! Ban me if you dare!)

(please remember to stay on topic and i hope you've seen the other notes about the language...don't hate me, ruf...it's kinda my job)

[MT]

Wow, I have really been out of the loop and missed this story. That will teach me to take a vacation. I don't know what to believe about Jimmy but I guess that explains why Achmed Lobello isn't training in MQT as he swore to (after swearing to move to LT, I believe). All I know about Jimmy is OZers always liked him and he had looney ideas about dress (very feng shui and Yuki-ish). I have trouble picturing him engaged in any sincere abuse since he was maybe 3 ft tall. Any of the girls at MQT could make him say "Ow!"

BTW where did you find the new Fuzzy photo and what is the electrical device laying in (connected to?) his loins?

[MT]

"Ruff, if you're reading, your comments are up. Sorry 'bout the delay. You weren't fully banned, just half. Maybe 1/3." Noelle, OZ

Noelle still loves you, Ruff. (OK, well maybe "love" is to strong a word but I think you were right about she gets bored with the gah-gah babble.)

[elsa]

Oooo - I didn't know there was dish in here about the Canadians and what not! Glad I found it. You guys are a riot. And Turcotte - Turkette? - is adorable. I read somewhere he was 5'4". Awww. There's a picture at OZ somewhere of Apolo sweetly smiling/looking down at him -- or maybe he's just on a higher podium level (I think that's it but 5'4" is just too cute.) Hope he's coming back. And he's a friend of Dorothy? Say it ain't so !!!

And Fuzzy is Flou and KEG is Charles Hamelin? Just guessing - but if I'm gonna lurk properly I need to know who's who!

Oh and I didn't smite anybody -- and never have except in self-defense! Not that I think I've been accused or anything, just prattling... Please keep on talking about the Canadians -- I'd really love to hear what's up with Olivier Jean (or maybe it's the reverse) -- in one picture I saw, he reminded me a bit of Davy Jones.

[MT]

elsa said:

Oooo - I didn't know there was dish in here about the Canadians and what not! Glad I found it. You guys are a riot. And Turcotte - Turkette? - is adorable. I read somewhere he was 5'4". Awww. There's a picture at OZ somewhere of Apolo sweetly staring down at him -- or maybe he's just on a higher podium level (I think that's it but 5'4" is just too cute.) Hope he's coming back. And he's a friend of Dorothy? Say it ain't so !!!

And Fuzzy is Flou and KEG is Charles Hamelin? Just guessing - but if I'm gonna lurk properly I need to know who's who!

Oh and I didn't smite anybody -- and never have except in self-defense! Not that I think I've been accused or anything, just prattling... Please keep on talking about the Canadians -- I'd really love to hear what's up with Olivier Jean (or maybe it's the reverse) -- in one picture I saw, he reminded me a bit of Davy Jones.

;D I karma you maybe for liking Canadians or maybe for Davy Jones. (We aint' talking about the Monkey you know.)

Yes, "Fuzzy" is Flou based on an interview he did when the Canadians thought Apolo had retired. It was hysterically translated into English. (I use the term "translated" VERY loosely.) Of course, you can call him Francois Louis Tremblay but why when Fuzzy is perfectly serviceable?

M. Turcotte is, in fact, absolutely gorgeous - a real pocket Adonis with the best overall bod in ST (going mainly by the SL pics). He also likes to wrap girls (and boys) in saran wrap and vaseline. Well, maybe just their feet but I don't know why he'd stop there and Ruffian means to find out.

Hamelin is KEG, a.k.a. Kick-ass Eyebrow Guy 'cause I can't remember his name.

Bedard is the gargoyle 'cause his face is a double bagger but his arms and chest ...

Jamaicanadian has a real name, but who really cares what it is?? He has a nest of dread locks and likes to steal other skaters (American skaters, no less) pants and then tell the fans to "chill and go to an international bordello" (in a charming accent). I'm still not sure if that was an invitation to Canadian style fun or a put down and he has been admonished that, if he can't find his own pants, he is to skate naked next time. Heck, even if he CAN find them.

J. Guilmette is the Canook who looks like a surfer dude and has a great web site although he hasn't updated it in an absolute age. He is also tall for a skater (six footish, maybe) and voted most likely to be fun to party with.

We eagerly await the arrival of a new Canadian smorgasborg. Apolo is just fine (and I, at least, mean F-I-N-E, fine) but he is only one man and I can' t even figure out if he's dating and whether he likes girls and how much longer he will be skating. There will always be lovely Canadians.

[elsa]

Oh lord I'm starved for details but I'll try to not bombard you -- but what did Flou/Fuzzy say when he thought Apolo was retiring? Was he gleeful or politically-correctly "disappointed" about it?

-- and whose pants did Jamaicanadian steal??? Those skanky Frenchmen! They need a good dose of American prudery. Well actually no they don't. Hey are Brit-type Canadians as sexually repressed as we are? (I've known a couple that acted like it, but hey, two's not enough to judge a nation on)

Saran wrap and Vaseline ?? Reminds me of good old Wesson oil parties back in the day. But I digress....

On an A&J shipper board, just a week or two ago, some Apolo-fan ladies were visiting SLC (the rink or whatever it's called) and Apolo wasn't there - but they were shocked to see a Norwegian (I think?) skater sitting there in his birthday suit, with the thinnest little gray cloth over his family jewels. Imagine! One of them wrestled a camera out of the other's eager little hands -- DRAT. That prudery again. It deprived us of a fine photo. Do they strip and dress right there in the stands? Maybe I'll go out and panhandle or something to get the money to go to one of these meet thingies. Ai yi yi.

[Lindsey]

Not to be a killjoy, but isn't there a Canadians thread in the Un-Apolo section? Please don't hate me...I'm just wanting to keep things...ahem...organized.

[elsa]

Oops - I found it on page 2 and will try to do better next time!

[Ruff]

Ooh! You like the Canadians too, Elsa? I'm firmly in that camp myself. MT likes to flit in between America's and Canada's team. She's a bit of a trollop ("trollop" having the meaning here of "total player with an insatiable lust for tiny men in tight pants"). I can't remember what Fuzzy said. Honestly, I can't listen to a thing any of them say. They're too pretty to listen to. He was probably lovely and then nibbled a cracker (homeboy is a twig).

And you're right. Jean is Jones, Jones is Jean. Tentacles, man. And when you made that connection I sat here for a good 5 minutes making this face while saying to no one, "Oh my gaaaaaaaaa..."

MT, I have no idea what he's got in his lap there. I like to think it's some sort of adult toy. It would certainly explain the look on his face. I'm team Jang as well and am hoping he'll come out with some details. He won't tho, he'll go all stoic and man-ish. And KILL my dreams. Speaking of our team, did you see those pics from last week from Tina? Is it me, or did those pregnant doges OD on sunless tanner? They're Lohan orange! What's going on in their heads?! It's not for bathing in, for the love of god! Achmed is still pretty handsome (but clearly a douchebag) and Americanadian buzzed his hair off. The reasoning behind this remains unclear. I did love Allison in that photo. Looking all uncomfortably put together in a way that clearly screams, "I'M FEMININE! I'M A GIRLY GIRL! LOOK AT MY 'HIPS!' "

[Ruff]

Oops, I hit the post button too soon. Although now I can't remember what I was going to say because of the panic that gripped me when the screen changed in the middle of my typing ("Oh, christ! I have no idea what I've written, I can't type it all again! d**n these hot keeeeeys!")

Oh yeah! About Noelle. I'm still not playing with her!

Yes, that totally warranted this followup post.

[Lindsey]

Ruff--Off topic.... Please read my post to you in the MIA thread... I'm really serious. I don't want the stress.