How Sad

[tabatha]

The Cardinals lost another pitcher today. He died in a car crash. He was 29 years old. Rest In Peace Josh!

[rach2crazy]

aww I'm not a Cardinals fan but that is really sad. My heart goes out to him and his family.
First it was Cory Lidle and now it's Josh. Hopefully no one is next.

[tabatha]

yeah, i know, we lost our pitcher darryl kile back in 02 to a heart attack. same team. it's hard.
(cardinals)

[rach2crazy]

I remember that. That was horrible.

[Elle]

Even though this is a very old thread, I didn't know were else to write. i know that my problems are mine and mine alone but, sometimes i believe people just need to out of their system. Today is one of those days for me.

Today, I feel very lonely. I am almost 29 years old and even though I have a university degree in Archeology, I have trouble becoming an adult. I know how old I am and I am not trying to stay young. I do not dress inappropriately or anything but, I am always thinking about what a waste of time my life must be. I guess today is one of those days in which I feel the most lonely. Most of my mates are lawyers, dentists, marine biologists and everything else professional but, I have been dreaming too much about fantasies or something. I dunno even wot it is that I am saying.
I think I feel bad because I found out that a part of my family does not feel anything for me. I currently reside in London and my mum and her side of the family are still living in Athens. I grew up in London with mostly my dad and his family. Even though I have gone on holiday to Athens, I do not feel a connection with them the way that I feel with my paternal family. My mum hates me for it. She is always saying that I am a horrible person. She tells everyone that I am inconsiderate, useless, stupid, and that I will never be anything or something like that. I have heard this from her since I was very young. She tells me am fat, that my teeth look uneven, that my hair makes my face look round, that my body is not attractive well...... a load of things like this. Trust me. i know I am not attractive but, I don't think I offend either. I love my mother and I would do anything for her but, she can be very hurtful.
On the other hand, I have been mean to her too. Since I hear the way she speaks to me and wot she tells other people, I talk to her very disrespectful at times. I just snap. I am tired of someone so dear to me saying those things about me. Her family hates me and today my aunt told me that she could still care for me. Dang, I though family loved you unconditionally.
Definitely, today is not a good day for me.
Wotever, thanks for letting me express wot I feel.

[number1fan]

pming you the rest

[A.O.Freak]

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.


heres a poem that i enjoy reading Elle,not sure if it helps,but i hope you like it as much as i do

[butterfly]

Elle, just wanted to say that I hope today is a better day for you.
Hurtful words can cut so deep....some people just don't realize that. Keep believing in yourself and you will figure out which path to take.

aofreak, great poem!

[Elle]

To everyone:

From the bottom of my weak heart, thank you all for your love and for those words of appreciation, inspiration, strength and sincerity that have brought a heap of tears into my eyes.

I never knew that I was any of those things. I feel very good right now because I feel the warmth coming from all of your hearts. I never knew this could happen but, I have a new family of friends. I once read that a strong group of girl friends could bend a broken heart and it is so true.

Aside from Apolo, this is one of the reasons why I have been faithfully coming into this site. You all make my life a bit better every day.

Again, thank you all.

[tabatha]

You're welcome dear Elle, and you are all of those things, and more. Let me find my poem and I'll repost it here and you can read it. It fits.

Self 7/9/08
If one could see themselves in someone else’s eyes, what would they see? Would it be pretty, petty, or many other things?
Would you like yourself if you were someone else? Or would you turn your back?
We see flaws and problems, what do others see? Someone who they think is strong, friendly, someone they wish they could be?
Or do they think the same, waiting to tear us down, break us apart into tiny fragments.
We may see one who is confident, snobby, or just plain brilliant. But they may be hiding behind a wall, a facade.
How many times do we wish for small changes in ourselves. Different hair, slimmer legs, different colored eyes.
But when we meet someone, or admire one from afar, would you change their appearance, their attitude?
Would you want their eyes to change, or do you see something wonderful in just the way they are?
What about their hair, or lack there of? When they change it, are they really that different inside?
Or their body types? If you really like them, does it really matter, but if they want input, would you stick around?
I look in the mirror and never like what I see, I pick things I like, and frown at what I don’t.
I’ve been battered and bruise, twisted and tied. Blame myself for the things I hide.
These things that I want to be different, would they really work, would I still be me? Or would I be petty, and dead inside?
What I see as flaws, someone may see as courage, or strength. What I see as ugly or not good enough, someone sees as pretty, or just fine the way it is.
What is in one’s self worth? Why is it so fragile in ourselves, but in others it’s so strong and so vibrant?
Why do we let people drag us down, then drag ourselves farther? Where is the self love, the inner strength?
We look to others for love, and comfort. While it’s nice, especially if it’s higher up, but when can we start loving ourselves?
Would be want to be our own friends, to help us when we’re down? Instead of tearing apart our self worth.
So many things left unsaid, unasked, unanswered. But one thing is for sure, we may be the light in someone’s life, and they may need us, and we them. So no matter hard you are on yourself, someone might wish to have your strength.
And you them. It’s never ending, this constant battle, but in the end, could be worth every moment.
Tabatha

[mtnme]

That was beautiful, tab. Thank You for posting it

I didn't see this until today. I'm pm-ing you elle.

[susie]

Elle, you are valued and loved here in our own little corner of the world.

I really think that the 20's are over-rated. If you go by media portrayals, it's supposed to be such a carefree time, with apartments, friends, boyfriends or girlfriends, burgeoning careers, travel, nightclubs, and excitement. And for a few 20-somethings, that's true, and many more 20-somethings see at least a little bit of that. But I really think in a lot of ways, it's adolesence all over again, with more than its share of angst. You're trying to find your place in the adult world, and it's bloody hard work.

Whatever you end up doing professionally, I think it's critical to pick a direction and pursue it whole-heartedly, even if it turns out to be the wrong choice for you. But make sure you do your homework first. If you want to pursue archeology, go have a heart-to-heart with some working archeologists and ask them what they like about their work, what they dislike, and what they would do differently if they could. Try to interview at least three people. If it sounds appealing after all that, then start filling out your applications for grad school. Or, try something different. A friend of mine whose undergraduate major was anthropology decided to become a real-estate agent. It took her about two years to get up and running, but she's very successful at it now.

Keep in mind that somewhere down the road you can always change your mind. I've had two very distinct careers, after a "flailing around" period much like what you're experiencing right now. Many adults pursue two or three different careers over the course of their lifetimes. But it becomes easier to do this if you start from a base of having some solid work experience in one established field. I just think that it's critical to interview professionals in the field first, because a lot of times our fantasy about what a job is like doesn't match up with the reality, and you'll be happier in the long run with a job that's a good fit for you.

As for your mom...Elle, all mothers and daughters get into it at times, but there's no excuse for what she's saying to you. It might be cultural differences, or it might be issues that relate more to her relationship with your dad than you. Look her straight in the eye (or your best imitation of same over the phone,) and tell her kindly but firmly that if she makes one more cutting remark about your appearance, etc., that she will be hearing from you less and less. Try to keep emotion out of it as much as you can, and just tell her the facts straight up. It's her problem and not yours, and you don't have to stand for it. Try to take the high road with regard to your responses to her, because it will help you to feel better about yourself. And do put some distance between you and her side of the family until they start treating you more respectfully. Life is long, and you may be able to become close with her and her folks again, but it will be on your terms and not hers or theirs.

A lot of times when you start to feel better about yourself, your personal appearance begins to fall into line. Any exercise is a great mood elevator -- how about a daily, or several times a week brisk walk in one of your lovely London parks? But other than that, I would put your energy into establishing a career and into setting limits with your mom and her family for now. Appearance you can work on anytime -- just ask us!

Hugs to you, sweet Elle. Please know that the older women on this board know exactly what you are going through -- we've all been there, and please trust me when I say that life will get better for you as you get older. Hang in there, girlfriend.

[mtnme]

Elle,

I have to agree with Susie 1000%, and as you can see, I told you some similar things in my pm to you.

Susie, you are SPOT ON with your thoughts, and as we 'older broads' know, all these experiences are oh so true - and universal- not matter what the age, no matter where the place.


As to your mom, to paraphrase Dave Barry:

A mother can work a 30 years gone umbilical cord like it was yesterday.



What is it about family that no matter how old you are, no matter how 'grown up' we are in our everyday worlds, they can still 'push our buttons' and turn us into that insecure 5 year old in about .3 nanoseconds. It's JUST NOT RIGHT!!!!! (There outta be a law....)


Susie is also OH SO RIGHT about the career, and she gave you some very valuable advice. My first foray through college, I was a double major - one in Art, the other in Forestry. That is until one generous, and brutally honest, professor had the cajones to just lay it all down - straight up.

"I know you guys", he said. "You think you're just going to be out there with the birds and the trees. Now let me tell you what 'reality' is. You're going to spend the first 5 years in the middle of the Mojave Desert, flushing out Andy Gumps (porta potties for the uninformed). Then you'll finally get sent to someplace nice you might ACTUALLY want to be for a few years. Then they will commit the most heinous crime of all. They'll promote you, and you'll end up in one of those windowless cubicles in some hi rise, in the middle of some mega crowded, polluted city - which is, of course, the COMPLETE ANTITHESIS of why you got into this in the first place."

(Susie is right again here too, there's a BIG difference between our romantic fantasies of what something is all about, and the cold harsh reality. Ask around, and make sure the REALITY is one you can live with.)

Needless to say, I didn't get much past the 'Andy Gumps' imagery and changed to the single major - toute sweet. (It also didn't help that the college had an animal husbandry program that was in the middle of the forestry classes. Let me tell ya, the sun hitting the cow pastures full bore at 7 a.m. on an empty stomach, had most of the class either suffering from 'severe gag reflex' or hitting the bathroom in the throws of violent stomach distress within 20 minutes. Flushing out Andy Gumps is that times a factor of 1000. ugghh! No Thanks....)


I'm now on what could be 'officially' considered my second career, with many forays into odd jobs and sidelines along the way. Or maybe where careers are concerned, I just have A.D.D.- and there is nothing wrong with that.

I prefer to take Leonardo Da Vinci's viewpoint, (and whenever you feel you don't know where you're going- that you choose to do the same...) ..and I'm paraphrasing the master here:


"Moving to a new project before you've finished another, is the sign of genius, because once you've figured it out, you're just not all that interested anymore!"

HEY, WORKS FOR ME!!!!!!


Success isn't measured merely by how much money you make, or how much prestige the initials on your business card convey. The biggest success is from work that inspires you, believe in and enjoy. The rest of it is just superficial BS, with no real substance.

My point being, none of them were a waste, in the sense they taught me something along the way, and those experiences set me up so I could learn the next life lesson - and handle it.

When asked "what about yourself are you most proud of?". My answer? That I can take care of myself. I always land on my feet. Not always well, but I DO land! As a single woman, that is no easy feat. So be proud of yourself Elle for being capable of doing that, no matter what you do for a living. Remember that "Sista's are doin' it for themselves".

Yeah, you sing it, Aretha!

[tabatha]

great posts everyone. i'm in a funk too, and what you said to Elle, it's like you said it to me too. i hate what's going on in my life, and i feel worthless. it's not a great feeling. and sometimes i wonder why i feel so down on myself sometimes. why someone like Elle does too. it's unfair. my problem, where the hell do i start? don't even know where to begin. i get stuck with taking care of everyone else (which i'm currently getting away from, we just had enough of that mess) and i just let myself go. it takes me to do it. i fear failure i guess. or realize i'm not good at the things that i love to do.
and i feel guilty for complaining. sorry

[mtnme]

Aug 30, 2008 17:04:24 GMT -5 tabatha said:

great posts everyone. i'm in a funk too, and what you said to Elle, it's like you said it to me too. i hate what's going on in my life, and i feel worthless. it's not a great feeling. and sometimes i wonder why i feel so down on myself sometimes. why someone like Elle does too. it's unfair. my problem, where the hell do i start? don't even know where to begin. i get stuck with taking care of everyone else (which i'm currently getting away from, we just had enough of that mess) and i just let myself go. it takes me to do it. i fear failure i guess. or realize i'm not good at the things that i love to do.
and i feel guilty for complaining. sorry

Tab,
You're not complaining....you're Venting....and not only is it good for you, but to do the same thing in therapy would cost ya 100 smacks for less than an hour. See, by talking it out with your GA buddies instead, you already did something great! You just saved yourself tons of money!

As for not being good at things you love to do. Why do you have to be good at it to enjoy it? I'm a 5'1" little squirt, yet I really enjoy playing volleyball. Now obviously, I'm NEVER going to be good at this, and there won't be any 'killer' spikes slamming over the net anytime soon. But I enjoy it all the same.

And on that note, I'm taking my overweight keester to the ice rink to do yet another thing I enjoy, but was never all that great at.