Jokes And Other Forms Of Silliness

[apolosgal]

I thought this was kinda funny.



Top Ten Questions that Make You Go Huh?
[Cat.: Lists ] [ Calif.: 7.56]


How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
What happens if you get scared to death twice?
If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

[amyurban]

Yeah, from time to time people send me such "ponderings." Some good one's, there. When I get my next batch, I'll make sure to post them here too, okay?

[amyurban]

Oh Dear God, after reading THIS e-mail I got today I knew I just HAD to share it with you guys! Being an owner of a dog AND a cat, this just made me ROTFLMAO so much! You guys are gonna love this thing, trust me! ;D It's called "Excerpt From Dog/Cat Diaries".....

****************************************************

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:
> >>
> >>8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
> >>
> >>9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast!
> >>
> >>9:40 a.m. Got to go to the park! Rolled in some really nasty stuff,
> >>was so proud of myself. Humans were less than impressed.
> >>
> >>10:30 a.m. Got my tummy rubbed and petted -- I'm in love!
> >>
> >>12:00 p.m. Lunch: yummy!
> >>
> >>1:00 p.m. Played in the yard: I loved it!
> >>
> >>3:00 p.m. Stared adoringly at my masters ... they're the best!
> >>
> >>4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids got home! I was so happy I was bouncing
> >>off the walls!
> >>
> >>5:00 p.m. Milkbones -- awesome!
> >>
> >>7:00 p.m. Got to play ball! What a day, this was too good to be
> >>true!
> >>
> >>8:00 p.m. Wow: watching TV with my master! Heavenly!
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
> >>
> >>Day 683 of My Captivity:
> >>
> >>My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
> >>objects.
> >>
> >>They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
> >>fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt
> >>for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something
> >>in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going
> >>is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again
> >>vomited on the floor.
> >>
> >>Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
> >>feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since
> >>it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely
> >>made condescending comments about what a ''good little hunter'' I
> >>am. The audacity!!
> >>
> >>There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
> >>placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
> >>However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. I overheard
> >>that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." I must
> >>learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
> >>
> >>Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of
> >>my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must
> >>try this again tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs.
> >>
> >>I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
> >>snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly
> >>released--and he seems more than willing to return! He is obviously
> >>retarded. The bird has got to be an informant-- I observe him
> >>communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he
> >>reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody
> >>for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe-- for now. But I can
> >>wait.
> >>
> >>It is only a matter of time...

[apolosgal]

That's cute!! LOL

[amyurban]

I got this from an LJ friend I met through Rose1966 named yeuxdebleu. This cracked me up even though it IS so frickin' CORNY. I guess I am too easily amused, but who cares? It's good to laugh, I love to do it! ;D

****************************************************

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.



The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday from a yeast infection and trauma complications caused by repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children -- John Dough and Jane Dough -- plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.

[apolosangel8907]

about the wal-mart thing, someone did that in K-mart in Iowa a couple years ago!

[Ruffian of Old]

@ the cat's diary and "died of a yeast infection."

[majestic]

This is one of my faves...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who is Jack Schitt?

The lineage is finally revealed! Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt."

Now you can intellectually handle the situation:

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holy Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", You can correct them!

[apolosangel8907]

My brother sent me this, thought it was really funny!

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same
speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at
ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling
at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

****************************************************
Answer:
Get off the children's carousel and, next time, don't drink so much

[Ruffian of Old]

A man and his young daughter are driving down a highway. In the car in front of them, a man and his wife are having an argument. In the heat of battle, the wife cuts of her husband's pen!s and throws it out the car window. It flies back and hits the windshield of the man and daughter's car. Hoping to avoid the awkwardness of having to explain what the hell just hit their windshield, the father says, "Gee, that was a strange bug, huh, honey?" To which the daughter replies, "Yeah, really strange. And it had a huuuuge pen!s, huh, dad?"

[Krysten]

Haha. Ruffian, that's awesome. Where'd you find that.