Post by *^padfoot^* on Apr 4, 2006 15:59:59 GMT -5
This is another story from the first one, I'm trying to take a different approach. I am writing different first chapters and taking chances from there lets see what's better. I didn't like where my first story, but hey that's how it all starts. 
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Chapter 1
It’s any day for anybody else, except for Jacqueline. She is weeks away from one of the saddest day of her life. The saddest part is that only she knows it. Ever since she was a little girl she dreamt of this, but not like this.
“Oh well, it’s only for my best interest or my parents interest” she would tell herself.
She always did what she was told; she was rather manipulated/controlled but still had a mind of her own.
Every morning she wakes up earlier than everybody at her home for a daily 5:30a.m run. She jogs four miles and sprints two.
She got up as always quietly with out anybody noticing her leave. When she was about to step out, she felt a little vertigo but shook it off.
She ran the usual on her way back he felt the same, dizzy. It was only when she came ready to cross the busy intersection that she felt the full effect. She couldn’t see, everything seemed to be passing by her instead of the other way around; she could not longer see where she was walking.
“Look out!!” yelled out a distant voice. People everywhere turned around to see this young man sprint towards her and push her out of harms way.
Jacqueline didn’t know what happened all she felt was searing pain through her body, screaming and before that screeching tires…screeching tires!!! ‘But wait’ she thought ‘I’m not dead’.
“What the hell?” the pain she thought. “What’s going on? Ah, my entire body hurts” she was gasping for air.
“Please, please give her some room to breathe!” Her rescuer was holding her tenderly in his arms making sure she was not badly injured.
“Are you okay Miss? You just seem to have a bump on the head, few bruises but does anything hurt?
She could not believe it, she could not talk it was as if speech it self was taken from her.
“It’s you” she murmured under her breath and fainted.
She awoke with a start, “Where the hell am I?”
“Calm down”, a concerned Apolo told her. “You’re at a hospital, you fainted. I thought I’d be best if you were checked out. You know”.
Dr. Rivermedal, “ A minor concussion, a few bruises nothing to worry about, just keep healthy. Seems that you don’t eat all too well or as you should so just keep that in mind”, he gave her a warm doctor smile.
She was rather embarrassed and Apolo looked like he didn’t want to be there.
Jacqueline was ready to go home when Apolo offered her a ride home but said her friend was coming.
“I didn’t get the name of the gal I just saved. It’s not like I do that for kicks” He gave her an unforgettable Apolo smile.
“Right, It’s Jacqueline and yours is…(she was snapping her fingers pretending to have forgotten)…Apolo that’s right Apolo Anton Ohno, tip of the tongue” She smiled he loved it.
He remembered for a few seconds what it felt like holding her in his arms, unconscious. ‘Snap out of it man’
“Well Mr. Ohno”
‘What?’ He felt old and rather awkward at this comment.
“Please call me Apolo”
“Okay, Apolo”, she was extremely shy. There was that feeling she had felt that morning again.
“Oh, sit down, I’m not sure you’re ready to go home with out your friend, where is she/he? Anyway?”
“I’ll be fine don’t worry, I don’t know where’s he at”
“I could take you if you like, if it’s okay with you?”
It really wasn’t but seeing, as there wasn’t any other choice
“Okay”
They talked on the ride home, she told him what she was out doing.
“So you are an athlete?”
“Ha! My parents would kill me if they had the chance. I’m supposed to be lady like, stay at home and all that nonsense. Now that I think about it, I think you should have left me in front of that car” silent tears were coming down her rosy cheeks.
Apolo was rather appalled by this idea, ‘she wanted to get killed, why would she want this to happen to her?’ but knew it wasn’t prudent to ask. He was freaked out a bit; he didn’t know what quite to do. ‘She’s crying, but there is this sweetness to it, why? She’s quite pretty. Stop it think what do I do to help her out’
He stopped the car and told her, “You are too sweet to die, oh crap, I mean…what ever it is it’ll work out”
“Thank you, very much. Well this is it, how could I repay you for so heroically saving my life today?”
“I’m not sure you can. I just did what was necessary”
There was a long silence. She was about to get out of the car when, “Well maybe a drink, coffee, something” He thought he was pushing it, he just met her, but he did save her life.
“I can’t, I really shouldn’t” Apolo was shocked and she looked uncomfterable and embarrassed.
“I’m sorry it’s just that..okay but just this once” That was stupid how many times was Apolo Anton Ohno planning to ask me for a drink, she thought.
“Alright, do you want to go now?”
“Oh no I can’t. Later around 7 pick me up two blocks down. No questions asked, or too much to ask?”
“Not at all”
“Okay, see you”
“See ya”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
So? Tell me, kill my story.
What needs work besides all of it? 
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter 1
It’s any day for anybody else, except for Jacqueline. She is weeks away from one of the saddest day of her life. The saddest part is that only she knows it. Ever since she was a little girl she dreamt of this, but not like this.
“Oh well, it’s only for my best interest or my parents interest” she would tell herself.
She always did what she was told; she was rather manipulated/controlled but still had a mind of her own.
Every morning she wakes up earlier than everybody at her home for a daily 5:30a.m run. She jogs four miles and sprints two.
She got up as always quietly with out anybody noticing her leave. When she was about to step out, she felt a little vertigo but shook it off.
She ran the usual on her way back he felt the same, dizzy. It was only when she came ready to cross the busy intersection that she felt the full effect. She couldn’t see, everything seemed to be passing by her instead of the other way around; she could not longer see where she was walking.
“Look out!!” yelled out a distant voice. People everywhere turned around to see this young man sprint towards her and push her out of harms way.
Jacqueline didn’t know what happened all she felt was searing pain through her body, screaming and before that screeching tires…screeching tires!!! ‘But wait’ she thought ‘I’m not dead’.
“What the hell?” the pain she thought. “What’s going on? Ah, my entire body hurts” she was gasping for air.
“Please, please give her some room to breathe!” Her rescuer was holding her tenderly in his arms making sure she was not badly injured.
“Are you okay Miss? You just seem to have a bump on the head, few bruises but does anything hurt?
She could not believe it, she could not talk it was as if speech it self was taken from her.
“It’s you” she murmured under her breath and fainted.
She awoke with a start, “Where the hell am I?”
“Calm down”, a concerned Apolo told her. “You’re at a hospital, you fainted. I thought I’d be best if you were checked out. You know”.
Dr. Rivermedal, “ A minor concussion, a few bruises nothing to worry about, just keep healthy. Seems that you don’t eat all too well or as you should so just keep that in mind”, he gave her a warm doctor smile.
She was rather embarrassed and Apolo looked like he didn’t want to be there.
Jacqueline was ready to go home when Apolo offered her a ride home but said her friend was coming.
“I didn’t get the name of the gal I just saved. It’s not like I do that for kicks” He gave her an unforgettable Apolo smile.
“Right, It’s Jacqueline and yours is…(she was snapping her fingers pretending to have forgotten)…Apolo that’s right Apolo Anton Ohno, tip of the tongue” She smiled he loved it.
He remembered for a few seconds what it felt like holding her in his arms, unconscious. ‘Snap out of it man’
“Well Mr. Ohno”
‘What?’ He felt old and rather awkward at this comment.
“Please call me Apolo”
“Okay, Apolo”, she was extremely shy. There was that feeling she had felt that morning again.
“Oh, sit down, I’m not sure you’re ready to go home with out your friend, where is she/he? Anyway?”
“I’ll be fine don’t worry, I don’t know where’s he at”
“I could take you if you like, if it’s okay with you?”
It really wasn’t but seeing, as there wasn’t any other choice
“Okay”
They talked on the ride home, she told him what she was out doing.
“So you are an athlete?”
“Ha! My parents would kill me if they had the chance. I’m supposed to be lady like, stay at home and all that nonsense. Now that I think about it, I think you should have left me in front of that car” silent tears were coming down her rosy cheeks.
Apolo was rather appalled by this idea, ‘she wanted to get killed, why would she want this to happen to her?’ but knew it wasn’t prudent to ask. He was freaked out a bit; he didn’t know what quite to do. ‘She’s crying, but there is this sweetness to it, why? She’s quite pretty. Stop it think what do I do to help her out’
He stopped the car and told her, “You are too sweet to die, oh crap, I mean…what ever it is it’ll work out”
“Thank you, very much. Well this is it, how could I repay you for so heroically saving my life today?”
“I’m not sure you can. I just did what was necessary”
There was a long silence. She was about to get out of the car when, “Well maybe a drink, coffee, something” He thought he was pushing it, he just met her, but he did save her life.
“I can’t, I really shouldn’t” Apolo was shocked and she looked uncomfterable and embarrassed.
“I’m sorry it’s just that..okay but just this once” That was stupid how many times was Apolo Anton Ohno planning to ask me for a drink, she thought.
“Alright, do you want to go now?”
“Oh no I can’t. Later around 7 pick me up two blocks down. No questions asked, or too much to ask?”
“Not at all”
“Okay, see you”
“See ya”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
So? Tell me, kill my story.
What needs work besides all of it? 
I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter!
